what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
