We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
