A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
