I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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