you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
