Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I checked into jail on foursquare
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
