I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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