The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Hippo gnu deer
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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