I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
