I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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