I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
