I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
