I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
How does one acquire holy water?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
