how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
