I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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