Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
