Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My penis needs a shock collar
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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