i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
