I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
