Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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