i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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