Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
