Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
