All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
