I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
