You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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