Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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