I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
