Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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