Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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