Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
