Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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