put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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