you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
