OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
