I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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