The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
