it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
