New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
