The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
