I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize