Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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