i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
