I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize