I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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