I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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