I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
