Christians are straight up FREAKS
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
