So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
