Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
