Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
