I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
