i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize