oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Randomize
