Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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