I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
