I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
