Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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