Umm I'm too high to move.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
