Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
