and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
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