So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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