Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
