it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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